One thing I have been marveling at since my father’s death is the realization of grief. I feel I am awakening into the color of grief as distinguishable from despair, loneliness, and anguish. All these emotions had much the same color in my heart, blending together. I can better understand myself and move closer to God by recognizing grief. I am surprised how much I have misunderstood feelings growing up. For example, when I was younger and a new mom, I had overwhelming feelings for this young child. My life turned upside down with such intensity of feeling. My fear often turned to anger at Shann for not parenting like me. I couldn’t assess the fear, but I could access the anger which made a friendship with Shann difficult. Thankfully, he was patient and helped redirect my anger into a more healthy, loving connection, which healed the fear far more than my angry outbursts.

Now, as I walk through grief, I notice my grief. It hurts, but there is joy in the pain because my eyes can come back to God. I am thankful that suffering helped me have insight into my heart. I think how often we are deeply fearful and escape through elicit attraction, overwork, or entertainment. We are profoundly lonely and eat, drink, or gossip instead. Deeply hurt by something unrelated, we get angry about five crumbs on the table instead of what we have buried inside. How often our painful emotions can drive us the wrong way. I love the message of Christ to come to Him. He welcomes me and offers me solace and comfort instead of tears. He provides me joy for mourning and beauty for ashes. How easy to pause and cry out, “God rescue me!” and how quickly He comes, healing me.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” – Matt. 11:28-30

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