Words of Hope: A Pattern of Great Parenting
Dad and I often discussed healthy relationships, especially between a father and sons or daughters. I don’t think many parents talk this way with their children.
He and I agreed when we mentioned something that irritated, frustrated, or hurt the other person, the immediate response should be listening, self-responsibility, forgiveness asking, and gratitude. This specific pattern was a roadmap we expected to follow when in difficulty or relational disagreement.
If I came to Dad with something I needed him to change, he would listen, ask forgiveness, and express gratitude that I brought this to him. It was easy, smooth, and powerful. I did this often and he did it rarely. Not because he was more egregious than me but actually because he was more mature.
I am in the season of life where my girls are coming to me with things in my behavior and character to change, such as my anxious questioning, my moral certitude without grace, my interrupting, etc.
I discovered what appeared effortless to my dad is remarkably difficult for me. I want to defend, blame, pout, or withdraw.
Everything in me resists the pattern I so admired in my relationship with my dad. I must mentally crowbar myself into following the steps. It feels artificial and robotic.
“Thank you for letting me know you were hurt by this.”
“Please forgive me for….”
“What was it like for you when I was rude or interrupted or …?”
After I bend my will to follow the pattern, my children are grateful. I sometimes still feel a small grudge I know I must work through. I never sensed this with Dad.
I imagine how to hold this kind of parental relating in a lighter, easier grace. I imagine dedication to adopt the pattern sooner rather than resisting, or worse, blaming my girls.
St. Ignatius believed our emotions reveal the status of our heart. He would counsel me to pray for a heart change. My emotions tell me I still value bitterness and narcissistic injury more than listening and forgiveness asking. He would recommend I pray for the will. It is a prayer for an attitude change.
“Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.” – Colossians 3:21: