Anger & Conflict
Articles mainly about anger, rage, criticism, arguments, resolving conflict, gentleness.
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Reckoning
Hope seems in short measure when we see the violence happening in America. People with masks shooting civilians and dragging children away from parents. Never in my lifetime would I believe this could happen.
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Not Overcome
Shann’s new novel, Where Blackbirds Fly , releases officially today. It was a long journey full of suffering. He would start writing at 10:00 or 11:00 pm.
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Beneath the Surface
My dad could discern the root motives of others. He could look past the behavior and see the unconscious compulsions of shame, envy, greed, selfishness, or fear.
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First Word Joy
I have a sign on my office door that I made that reads, “First Word Joy.” I consider how differently my day begins when I select to focus on delight in God, life, and people.
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Winning the Battle
I have been invited to speak on several podcasts lately, and the hosts are curious about my father and the practice of forgiveness in our home.
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Curiosity Trumps Anger
Curiosity opens doors; anger closes doors. The Apostle James gives us solid counsel when he said, “Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger for anger never brings about the righteous life God desires for…
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Words and Snakes
I read an interesting passage of scripture from the Old Testament. It is the story of the complaining Israelites who are unhappy about being in the desert.
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How to be Uncommon
At a group I attended, a woman shared her story of hatred toward her stepfather. She said he verbally and emotionally abused her and made her teen years miserable.
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In Celebration of Marrying Young
Shann and I will be married for thirty-five years this June. A young man asked us if we were glad we married young in light of so many people feeling they made mistakes by marrying too soon.
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A Simple Choice
Near Lidice, the town razed by the Nazis, the Children of Czechia invited the children of Germany to plant a rose garden. Fifty-one counties sent roses for them to plant, over 100,000 roses.
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Heading to Tarshish
Jonah was heading away from the place God asked him to go. He was asked to go to Nineveh and call people to repentance.
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Collecting the Pieces
I love art museums. They are one of my favorite places on the planet. I can spend hours there. I love the stories behind the works of art just as well.
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Pondering Schism
I find myself reflecting on a troubling trend emerging within church communities. This issue revolves around the contrasting doctrinal narratives concerning God’s love and His wrath.
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Which Side?
The word challenge originally meant to accuse. Have you ever been accused? I think about Christ standing on trial. Witnesses attempted to bring accusations against Him, but they kept contradicting their testimony.
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A Pattern of Great Parenting
Dad and I often discussed healthy relationships, especially between a father and sons or daughters. I don’t think many parents talk this way with their children.
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Listening for the Truth
One of the greatest gifts my dad had as a father was his insistence on total relational transparency regarding emotions. He wanted a home where truth reigned.
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Coming to the Table
One of our staff posted something on their social media which deeply grieved another staff member. This is always challenging. How do we handle our disagreements?
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The Courage of Conversation
Dad and I often talked together in surprise how fearful people are to compassionately engage in difficult conversations.
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Learning from Conflict
I appreciate my dad so much because of how he dispelled the fear and chaos of conflict. Conflict can be part of a passionate life.
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Systemic Trouble
I was becoming high and mighty about fathers and their need to change when my husband Shann reminded me that a critical, hateful woman will always evoke or attract men who are absent, distant, violent, oppressive, and lost.…
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The Things that Make for Peace
One of the recent devotional messages asked me to picture Jesus as He weeps over Jerusalem.
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Letting Go of Vengeance
God is always surprising me. Several years ago, a man trained up by us at NBC took all our training, investment, and information and tried to run camps without us.
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Beyond Crisis
I have been thinking about how crisis reveals truth. What does difficulty show about the underlying fabric of a home, marriage, business, or nation?
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Where Truth Dwells
One statement that has been thrilling my mind is this, “The natural habitat for truth is human conversation.” How we speak to others reveals how we live. So powerful!
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One God
Sometimes we think we are God. We act like we alone know what He wants and others need to listen to us.
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Forgiveness Work
I have been mediating on a sentence I wrote last week. “Dad did the work of forgiving his father.” Work is a true description of the forgiveness process.
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Pageantry or Practice?
One of my dad’s favorite mentors was a man named Paul Nakai. Paul did so much to elevate our understanding of relational health.
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Handling Enemies
I read a wild verse that I hadn’t noticed before. It says, “Do not rejoice and gloat when your enemy falls, And do not let your heart be glad [in self-righteousness] when he stumbles, Or the LORD will…
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When Frustration Comes
The other day I had a few inordinately aggravating difficulties that were more irritations than problems. If you follow Words of Hope regularly, you know what that signals for me.
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Where There is Strife There is Pride
One meditation I have been speaking in my mind and heart is from Proverbs 13:10, “Where there is strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.” Strife means to contend for superiority, quarrel…
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Struggling to Ask Forgiveness
A friend of ours is doing his dissertation on the phenomenon of forgiveness asking. He is researching the experience of asking forgiveness of family, friends, and colleagues. He asked me about my experience.
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Easy Adjustment
Adjustment is such an important skill in relationships. I picture Dad with his injured neck. He could not easily adjust his posture or his point of view without pain.
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Relational Tipping Points
My husband Shann and I have been talking a lot about the criticism/defensiveness cycle and how insightful it is for relational health. I have found it valuable in my relationships lately.
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Overturning
Does anger change us? Jesus opens his ministry after the wedding miracle with anger. I identify with this. Wanting to move the church with righteous indignation and sweep out all the offending people and practices.
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Hand Vac
Shann and I were speaking at a conference about forgiveness. It’s always amazing how everyone gets overwhelmed with this topic.
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Eyes of Cain
I have been thinking about unity and violence. How does the turn happen? For Cain it is losing his joy for being in union with his brother.
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Forgiveness Revolution
At the conference Shann and I spoke at, we invited people to practice asking forgiveness. I role played with a woman who had been a Princeton professor for many years. Her eyes were incredibly empathetic.
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Wrath
Our family recently listened to a sermon delivered on the wrath of God. If you cringe reading this, it was cringeworthy.
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Presidents Day
My dad LOVED reading biographies and one of his favorites was John Adams by David McCollough.
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Navigating Resentment
I have been pondering a message Brene Brown gave on resentment. She explains that resentment stems from envy rather than anger. This would have been an incredible conversation with Dad. I imagine our dialogue.
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Able to Move
Our family liked to tease Dad that he would be peaceful hearing about his car being wrecked but enraged about five crumbs on the table.
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Dark Ages
I just finished a historical book on Florence. After reading it, I felt compelled to write an unfavorable review. I usually never write unfavorable reviews because I like to give others the benefit of the doubt.
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Extremes
My husband Shann and I took a class together when he was getting his PhD in clinical psychology. It was a religion class taught at the university.
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Fervor
I listened to a sermon recently on Galatians. The pastor had worked himself up into a zealous fervor decrying the current times. Then he addressed sins, especially of the culture he was desperately trying to fight against.
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Godly Boundaries
I have been learning about boundaries. They are incredibly challenging and require discernment. You can see the problem of lack of boundaries in politics.
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Miracle of Grace
My husband Shann and I watched a modern-day movie fable attempting to show the calamity of friendships and families that lead to war.
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Selfish Ambition Disguised as Evangelism
I watched a video of a woman sitting down with two college students. Her intent was to share the gospel. They recorded their conversation.
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Preeminence
Team chemistry is vital to becoming a championship-level team. Researchers have found the importance of both task chemistry and social chemistry. Task chemistry is a requirement for success.
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Community of Trust
At NBC Camps, our team often talks about creating true community together. We discuss the difference between health and toxicity. At the root of toxicity is contempt, criticism, defensiveness, or stonewalling.
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No Grumbling
This is a strange time to be alive. There is a zeitgeist moving that is full of portent like a mighty storm brewing. I believe the Lord is near though I am not sure what that means.
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Basketball Healers
Dad was a basketball healer. He knew how to bring repair and healing to teams who were divided or despairing. Not many people describe someone as a basketball healer.
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The Temptation of Pain
Pain is tricky. It makes people uncomfortable. Pain can cause us to make the wrong decisions. I love the training of Ignatius of Loyola who cautions never to make decisions in our pain.
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Listen for the Blessing
I like to talk. Sadly, I often talk too much, and about the wrong thing. This hurts my relationship with my family. I say something that is judgmental, fearful, or just plain bothersome.
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The Importance of Conflict
I am very quick to emotion. I cry, rejoice fully, and get angry quickly. My husband Shann is cool and calm. If you want to have fun on a Disney ride, you want to go with me.
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Gentle Impact
I read a brilliant insight from the Gottman Marriage Minute. What I love about John Gottman’s research is that it is immediately applicable to any relationship. Need a better relationship with your child?
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Love in Public
I heard a beautiful quote that justice is love in public. What does loving look like? How much does my desire for love become thwarted by my own dysfunction and aspire for control?
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The Kingdom of God is Now
I was praying about what to write in Words of Hope and I kept feeling asked to write the Kingdom of God is now.
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Culture Wars
I have frustration at the hypocrisy and moralism of certain forms of Christianity in America’s extreme right. Men measuring the skirts of young girls and calling these young women sinners is appalling.
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Losing My Head
My husband Shann and I had a bit of a spat in Oklahoma City after our daughter’s junior recital. After all the planning, there was an issue with the video recording of the event.
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Banquet Table
My dad deeply loved Psalm 23. He meditated on it often. As I read C.S. Lewis’s Reflections on the Psalms , he brings attention to something I haven’t considered.
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What Goes Around Comes Around
In C.S. Lewis’s Reflections on the Psalms he addresses a topic I have struggled with. What do we do with the Psalms that pray down wrath on enemies?
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Dangerous Tendencies
Dad wanted to be wise about tendencies to make the wrong response in crisis. He believed becoming wise about how we handle stress and crisis is an important consideration, especially if there is trauma in the family history.…
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Never Outwitted
I have been mulling over a scripture verse for the last two weeks. It says, “I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us.
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The Danger of Must
I recently wrote a piece about Dad being an amazing culture changer and described with intensity a father who neglects his daughter and a mother who criticizes hers.
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Culture Changer
Dad was a culture changer. He envisioned a home with a true loving, present father who asked forgiveness of his children and encouraged dialogue even if there was disagreement. Not many homes have this.
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A More Transformative Perspective
In the last two Words of Hope, I have been sharing about a presentation Shann and I heard during our prayer retreat.
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Dogging Dogmatism Part 2
Yesterday, I wrote about my Dad’s response to people aggressively purporting their beliefs. Dad’s navigation of dogmatism greatly influenced me.
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Dogging Dogmatism Part 1
Dad had an expansive faith. He rooted his faith in both firm convictions and deepest wonder and awe. One of his good friends has strong opinions about faith, so absolute and dogmatic.
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Intensity Considered
Many of you who read Words of Hope know my Dad. Maybe some of you have never met him.
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Provoked
When Dad was younger, he could easily provoke people into frustration. He loved to induce people to anger, especially on the basketball court.
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Secret Sauce
One of the best skills Dad gave our family was the family meeting. Before an event, this meeting time was crucial to outline the expectations of the family and each other.
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Repair
Dad and I had many conversations about the attraction to cut-off relationships by not speaking to someone or vilifying others, a tendency to build up resentment. A situation recently arose between a few people I know.
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Confident and Compassionate Disagreement
Shann and I recently discussed how family issues become more difficult because many fear disagreements and conflicts. We have very few examples of people navigating disputes with health and compassion.
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Condemning the Guiltless
I love listening to the Pray as You Go app. The other day one of the scriptures asked us to ponder the story of Jesus talking with the Pharisees.
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Minor Adjustments
Dad loved unity, and he didn’t like disagreement. He also was a fierce competitor. Our family could get into heated disputes around politics, news, or even card games.
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Proof is in the Pudding
When we ask forgiveness without change, we commit further harm. Teresa was an angry parent.
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An Elegant Question
Dad taught our family that we cheat the forgiveness asking process when we fail to resolve our conflicts or disagreements using language that does not address adequate resolution.
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Forgiveness Overload
Dad believed we nullify forgiveness and cause pain rather than healing when we ask the other to forgive too much at one time. “I cheated on you for the last twenty years.
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Learning to Forgive
Dad and I often talked about bitterness and the drive to live in fracture with others. It’s incredible how generational resentment perpetuates—mother cut off from daughter, father from son. Forgiveness is a challenging and noble task.
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Flooding
Dad and I loved to talk about relationships. Especially how they can be improved. He loved John Gottman and even met with him personally.
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Power Tool
Forgiveness requires discernment and wisdom for it to bring healing. Forgiveness can happen through the power of the written word, a glance, a touch, a look.
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Daily Relational Clean-up
Dad had the gift of reading the Bible and making the words immediately practical and healing. He believed Christianity should make us more like Christ–more loving, forgiving, generous, and full of joy.
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The First to Apologize is the Bravest
The ancient parable entitled “ The Wager” by some is an old tale of selfishness and refusal to change with counterparts of the same theme told worldwide. It reveals our demand to be correct.
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The Generational Journey
When I first met Shann’s father Tom, he seemed very distant. We would enter the house after having traveled far to get there, and Tom would remain on the couch and give us a two-finger greeting while continuing…
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The Forgiveness Journey- Part 2
One of my Dad’s and my favorite writers, Henri Nouwen writes, “Forgiveness is the name of love practiced among people who love poorly. The hard truth is that all people love poorly.
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Dad’s Great Gift
Of all the things my dad taught, one of my favorite and the most powerful has been forgiveness. Because of Dad’s influence, Shann became a researcher on forgiveness.
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Loving what the Beloved Loves
Shann loves loud music. He likes to feel the sound and hear the music throughout his entire body. I don’t love loud music. It is a trigger of anxious feelings in me. Dad hated loud music.
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The Choice
Getting ready for the Celebration of Life was difficult and joyful. As our family gathered together to sing, we could feel the tensions and emotions rising.
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The Negative Spiral
One of my favorite times with Dad was to discuss poor coaching or poor parenting as they share similarities. Dad had incredible insights into how we contribute to the unconscious dissolution of a team or family.
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Retribution
Being a basketball coach, my Dad studied momentum. He analyzed how teams and coaches responded to mistakes and difficulties. He often asked, when crisis strikes, how does a family or business, or country respond?
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Atypical marriage
One quality I admire about my Dad is that he did not speak poorly or negatively about my Mom. He worked hard to root out criticism. He believed that criticism is poison to relationships.
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Thick Skin
Dad and I struggled with thin skin at times. We love people and want to be loved. Dad often encouraged me to have tough skin with a soft heart. I wrote down his advice.
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Hurting people hurt others
We traveled to NYC recently, and our family watched the MJ musical highlighting the life of Michael Jackson. It has been met with controversy, and some people have decided to boycott the show in protestation.
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Bitterness to Healing
We often drove to Edmonton, Alberta, from Spokane when Shann and I were newly married. This long road trip afforded us hours of meaningful conversation.
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True Self vs. False Self
One of my daily devotionals gives short segments from the writings of Henri Nouwen, a beautiful Christian author. He wrote many moving books, including Return of the Prodigal .
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Disagreement without Discord
One skill I am incredibly grateful for in my Dad is the peace he had to navigate difficult topics with wisdom and care. My Dad welcomed any topic in the home for Jay and me.
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MLK
A woman named Luska is one of NBC’s bright stars. She is brilliant and has an incredibly powerful mind.
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Daily Forgiveness
I met with some very lovely friends who want to create a language of forgiveness. I love this idea because forgiveness is such a misunderstood topic.
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Stone or Life
Grief is tough. My Dad tried to overcome his grief for the few years after his mom’s death, but many situations triggered his pain and anger.
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The Third Option
Dad loved Jesus’s response to the Pharisees. They often tried to trap Jesus. He frequently faced either/or no-win decisions by them but Jesus offers the third option. Consider, for instance, the woman caught in adultery.
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Love must be Sincere
Dad believed fully what Mother Teresa said, “Christ’s love is always stronger than evil in the world… this kind of love begins at home.
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The Age of Enragement
My Dad’s father loved rage as a tool to solve problems. Dad desired to learn to be gentle. He sought out gentle men as mentors to help him learn how to navigate difficulty without getting angry.
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The Sin of Criticism
Last December, Dad and I read sections of “The Violence Within” by Paul Tournier aloud to each other. Tournier believed that criticism was a form of violence that burdened the relationship.
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Forgiveness as a Healing Force
Dad loved servant leadership. One beautiful definition Dad would have loved from Dr.
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Wisdom
My dad had wisdom that resulted in practical ways to live. Before he died, I asked him about a parent who had a young child acting out in preschool— hitting others and disobeying the teacher.
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Hope in 1865 – Hope in 2021
JUNE 3 is an important date. June 3, 1865, was the date for the Battle of Cold Harbor, Virginia, as part of the Civil War (156 years ago).
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Will and What?
Two extremely important, yet uncommon questions that bring relational healing. Will you forgive me for; now call the offense by name.
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Story Collisions
The tendency is to believe the first story told and forget there are two sides to every story. The late Dr.
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Solution to Poor Character
Do you desire freedom from quick temper, anger, and personal conflicts? The Apostle Paul is truly a remarkable writer. I marvel as I read his many books. Around 57 AD he made a difficult decision.
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Guard Your Heart & Mind
“Defense is the best offense in basketball and in lifeball” – Fred Crowell One of my father’s passions I inherited was a clean car.
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Hello, My Name Is Anger!
Within arm’s reach is a ping-pong-ball-sized red light button. It is your anger button! Press it and anger flows or possibly explodes like a volcano.
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Obsolete Tools
Imagine a farmer plowing a field with his hands hanging tenaciously to a plow pulled by two hefty horses. Then, out of nowhere, a brand new, bright green, “John Deere” pulls up beside the tired farmer.
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Two Choices – We Get Bitter or We Get Better
God’s mercy is for everyone. “And so dear brothers and sisters, ‘I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all He has done for you.
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What’s in Your Toolbox?
“If you try to fix a problem with the wrong tool you will make the problem bigger, not smaller.” – Jennifer Crowell Ferch My true friend, the late Dave Tucker, was a master machine and wood-smith of the…
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Love Hurting People
The customary “How are you doing” greeting continues to receive the same casual responses of either “Good,” “fine,” or “ok.” Yet, today there may be a big difference when those replies are given.
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If You Wanna Cry, America, Cry for Our Cities
What is my favorite city in the USA? Perhaps New York City! Traveling to the Big Apple for great Broadway plays with our musical Ferch family was fun. Next, maybe big California cities (San Francisco, Los Angeles)!
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The Law of Restitution – Reconciliation
“You can never do too much for Him who has done so much for us.” -The late Coach T.
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May I Please Have My Opinion?
In today’s national crisis, everyone seems to want to express their opinion. Have you noticed this? Even all the pro athletes.
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The Law of Forgiveness
The universe is governed by laws. Obedience to the law preserves life. Disobedience to these laws may lead to destruction. Three things you need to know about the laws of the universe.
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FORGIVENESS FRIDAY – Our Get Out of Jail Card
The Crowell Game Changer program dedicated each Friday to conscious level living forgiveness. Forgiveness is or get out of jail free card.
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Had Enough Yet, America?
Where is the hope? Years ago an international student from a country suffering terrorism and killings told me, “Once terrorism and killing start, it is virtually impossible to stop.” On Fox News, an articulate student pleaded with his…
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Forgiveness Reality
Forgiveness asking is one of the world’s most important, yet least understood and practiced success principles. What makes it so difficult to ask forgiveness?
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Timeouts Are Vital
TIMEOUTS ARE VITAL Athletics prove time outs are critically important. The mark of great coaches is having the skill to take the complex and make it simple.
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Life Lesson 101
Be quick to listen – slow to speak – slow to anger. These 3 life skills are as important as a carpenter’s hammer, power saw and measuring tape.
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Get Out of Jail Free
Unforgiveness is the number one way to be imprisoned in the Emotional Intelligence Jail. It is holding a grudge against someone who has offended us, leading to unkind and merciless thoughts.
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Intent vs. Impact
A well-developed EQ is evident when one knows and understands that intent must ultimately be measured by its impact.
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Five Life Giving Syllables
1. Will 2. You 3. For 4. Give 5. Me 75 years of life experience confirm to me that “will you forgive me” are the four most difficult words for people to say to those that have done…
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Dealing with Difficult People – Appreciate Awesome People!
A human flaw is our overpowered magnetic attraction to negativity. Negative people disrupt and influence us more easily than positive people and the beautiful energy force we receive from them. Why is this?
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Bring Inner Strength Under Control
A healthy baby is gifted with incredible inner strength. This internal power is vividly displayed when the baby screams to the point of exhaustion. Try screaming as hard as you can like a baby enraged.
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Shut up Mode
Key Statement: It’s so simple, yet so hard to do; open ears and mouth shut! Three keys: Slow to speak Quick to listen Slow to anger Telling people to shut up is not acceptable in the Crowell household.…
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Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
An apocalypse usually leads to a catastrophic event. Dr. John Gottman speaks of four horsemen as metaphors for the destruction of a relationship, especially a marital one. His four horsemen are criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness.
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Quarrels & Wars = Q & W
“What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Don’t they come from the evil desires at war within you?” James, the brother of Jesus, asked these questions in James 4:1.
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Facial Responsibility
One of the many life-giving stories by President Abraham Lincoln is about his decision not to hire a well-qualified man for a cabinet position. Several colleagues questioned Lincoln.
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Resentment- Palms up Palms Down
Resentment is a signal light telling us to stop or go! Resentment is a gut feeling, telling us something is quite wrong. Resentment ignored turns to bitterness like grapes turn to wine.
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Hello My Name is Anger Part 3
Reviewing my past decades of experience serving under men with global influence, almost all of them systematically built their foundation. Then it is perplexing to see the foundation subsequently decimated their own dreams.
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Hello My Name is Anger, Part 2
I thought it would be good for my readers to know more about myself and my past history concerning anger.
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9-11 and the EAR to HEAR
9-11-18 The Day written upon our hearts that marks the greatest tragedy known to our Nation! So many have forgotten or have never known because they were young!
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Extreme Dislike or Strong Distrust, Part III
To me, desperate times need our desperate action . It seems possible when we righteously hate something evil, we gain power and energy to fight the enemy.
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Extreme Dislike or Strong Distrust, Part I
After preparing the WOH suicide video entitled Why I Hate Suicide , I received the following email from a lovely lady and a mother of one of my finest NBC coaches: “Hi, Mr. Fred. I hear you!
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Forgiveness Friday
Forgiveness is a get-out-of-jail-free card or 50-million-dollar lottery ticket winner. Who wouldn’t want that? Nevertheless, to effectively fathom the principles of forgiveness, it is necessary to understand unforgiveness and its brutal consequences .
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The Bad Ol’ Days
Newsflash, history repeats itself. In my lifetime I’ve never seen the world in such terrible shape as it is today. I fear for our future.
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Hunting Happiness
Key Statement: Happiness is one step around the next corner and the next corner and the next corner and the …. Factual question, not an elegant question.
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People Relationships
Key Statement: People were created to need people, but too few people invest the time needed to master the skills to treat people well. Global People Problems World leaders keep failing to learn from previous wars.
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Human Arrows in Your Quiver – Part 2
Imagine an arrow being one of the most important people in your life. What lessons can be learned from an experienced bow hunter? Imagine hunting with the finest bow without one arrow in your quiver.
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Unity in Diversity
“Each rowing the boat in the same direction.” It seems to me there is a magnetic force of some sort trying to make us all the same; yet, at the same time an opposite force driving us to…
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Roman Soldiers Mock Jesus
TRUISM: HURTING PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE As I read Matthew’s account of the brutality, taunting and abuse the ROMAN soldiers inflicted upon Jesus, I reflected on the hurt, pain, destruction and suffering in our world.
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Put Away Your Sword
A lesson from Matthew 26 Imitation is the FATHER OF LEARNING At a crucial moment, when Jesus was being arrested, he told Peter to put away his sword. Sports camps can be challenging businesses. Competition is tough.
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Never So Happy to See Rain
“The skies miracle windex” MATTHEW 16 “When it is evening.. It will be fair weather: for the sky is red….in the morning the weather will be foul…” For days on end Spokane skies were filled with smoke and…
