Moving out of Compulsivity

One of the quotes that Dad and I would discuss often was, “Hurting people hurt others and are easily hurt.”

We are hurt by so many things in life —many of these hurts happen outside of our control. Looking at the childhood psychological research, how much of this hurt transpires from the ages of eight and younger? Our parents are hurting, and they unconsciously pass along their suffering. Generational trauma passed down.

I consider my errors as a parent— at times inattentive, angry, busy, distracted, self-focused, soothing through inappropriate means of attachment or detachment. The list is long.

I deeply love my kids, my parents deeply loved me. This is a blessing as some families are so caught in their hurt they cannot love. But even in our deeply loving ways, my parents and Shann and I continued in our compulsivity.

The etymology of compulsivity means to force, to drive together, or acting on instant impulse. Compulsivity in the behavior of hurting people looks like saying hurtful things, reactive anger, aggressiveness or passive aggression, disagreement, over-sharing or inappropriate silence, boundary crossing, addictive behaviors.

A beautiful thought by Henri Nouwen says our relationships lose their compulsive character when we love God and share in His character.

What a great place to start!

If I were discussing this concept with Dad, he would have immediately invited a loving inventory of his compulsive flaws. This is a conversation which I now have with Shann and my daughters. What do they see as compulsive in me that hurts them or causes me to be easily hurt? How can I recognize my own hurtfulness in order to be less compulsive?

Dad was masterful at merciful and compassionate self-examination to root out or expose ways he was falling short in love.

I consider my list and see how it compares to Shann or my girls’ list for me— I hurry, worry, get exhausted, overdrawn, overwrought, empty, emotionally burdening, egoistic, bitter, unregulated, or uncontained. These are hurting and hurtful ways.

What is my antidote?

Romans 8 gives me the answer. It is the indwelling of God’s Spirit in me. It is the fullness of God in my heart, in my mind, in my mouth. It is the decision to give to God these habits, tendencies, proclivities, sins and ask for new ways of living and loving.

It’s also the willing submission to invite correction from the beloved community— the openness to what they notice— how I am hurting myself or others and how I am easily hurt.

Their loving insight allows me to awaken into my hurtful ways before the hurt continues to spread. This searching allows me to stop spending energy in defending myself but instead to find my belovedness in the love, peace, and joy of God who gives freely to all who ask.

“And those who are in the flesh cannot please God. However, you are not in the flesh, but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God dwells in you.” - Romans 8:8-9