Learning from Disagreement

Coming to mutuality that is loving and unified is challenging when disagreements arise. A disagreement has several elements- power, desire, vision, and hope.

When the fear of losing power, missing out on something deeply desired, blocked vision of a highly held dream and unmet expectations of what we hope will happen confront us, we can unconsciously become afraid and then secondarily, angry, aggressive, dismissive, etc. in order to try and get our way.

My dad understood the high stakes of disagreement and worked hard to come to agreement with Mom, Jay and me.

Dad observed how often disagreement could lead to injustice, hurt, and even cruelty.

Disagreements in families reveal we are different people with different interests, preferences and opinions. Therefore, we need a language of negotiation when we do not agree; a language to address the hidden fears of missing out on something deeply wanted or a compromise that would wrongly call to fruition what we deeply fear.

The negotiation table represents how we come together during high stakes decisions — ones which require mutuality, compromise, and actionable choices.

Consider your parents, how did they navigate high stakes decisions? Did one person always win? Did they come to agreement or did one person always capitulate?

How did your family handle high stakes decisions between parents and children?

If we enter high stakes negotiations without love or listening, often the decisional choices will end with the strong winning over the weak. The strong parent dominates the weak parent. The strong parent dominates the weak child or the strong child dominates the weak parent. This is the way of the world. The strong dominates the weak.

Simone Weil in her gorgeous book, “Love in the Void”, writes, “When two human beings have to settle something, and neither has the power to impose anything on the other, they have to come to an understanding. Then justice is consulted, for justice alone has the power to make two wills coincide. But when there is a strong and a weak, there is no need to unite their wills. There is only one will, that of the strong. The weak obey.”

The ethos of Christianity asks for something different. True Christianity is the will to listen, to love, to pay attention. It is the will to unite and come to mutuality for the highest good. It is the opposite of the strong erasing the weak. It is the will and the care to strengthen the weak, to balance the scales, and to move the imbalanced relationship into a space of mutuality and friendship rather than subordination and erasure. It is the will to expose what secret fears we may have and seek love instead.

In John 15:12-17, Jesus tells us He doesn’t call us slaves who must do His bidding without our own mutuality. He calls us friends. His friendship brings about an entirely different understanding of high stakes decision making and power imbalances. This is a friendship called to unity where both sides lovingly surrender to the voice of LOVE. ‘Heavenly Father, not my will, but Thine be done.’

How do I handle high stakes decision making with those I lead?

How do I handle high stakes decision making with my friends and family —especially when I am in disagreement?

How does fear influence high stakes decisions for the worse?

What are healthier ways to unite in times of disagreement?

“Make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death- even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.” – Philippians 2:2-11