At a group I attended, a woman shared her story of hatred toward her stepfather. She said he verbally and emotionally abused her and made her teen years miserable. Now, as a mother of older children, she still cries in anger and hurt telling her story.
 
Without forgiveness and reconciliation, closure for the painful stories of our lives becomes so challenging. A few years ago, this woman confronted her stepdad about his abusive behavior. He responded, “You had life so much better than the way I was raised, you should be thankful you didn’t have my upbringing.” As they stood in church together, she considered if she had the ability to turn and give him the sign of peace. He goes to church, he prays, but he is fully out of relationship with his stepdaughter, and claims he is not to blame for their rift. 

What causes us to double down? Why deny another person’s experience? Why blame or accuse, instead of listen, and receive? It’s so natural to defend. It’s natural to blame. It’s uncommon to listen. My dad was uncommon. Most of his life, anything I brought to him that hurt our relationship he thanked me for and asked forgiveness. I was shocked when he defended or blamed.  

How tragically rare this is! How many hundreds of thousands of children would love to say to an adult family member, “You are hurting me!” And for the adult to thank them, to ask forgiveness, and work on making the change. Why is this hard? 
 
I consider the lives of some of the cruelest people. Most had parents who did not lovingly parent—either too abusive and cruel or too “anything goes” or worse worship of the child. Worshipped children can become some of the most tyrannical on the planet.  

As a parent, it’s easy to get caught in the maze of confusion. Should I be tougher, should I be softer, should I relent, should I hold the line. Dad blew all these mental gymnastics out of the water. He was firm, held the line, easily flexible, listened deeply and asked forgiveness well.   

At the core, he loved me dearly, but he loved God more. He listened to me fully and he listened to God above all else. My dad was a beloved father because Dad fully submitted to seeking God to be as loving and obedient as humanly possible. He pleaded and prayed for this every day. I bless him for this dedication to be a man with a pure heart before the Lord and a loving father to me.

“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.”  1 John 4:7-8

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