Dad and I had lovely conversations. He was a masterful listener and question-asker most of the time. When we had a spare moment, he might start by saying something he appreciated about my life. Then he would ask an interesting question such as what did I think about the verse, “a man’s anger cannot produce the righteous life God desires.” We would talk back and forth on what we thought about this verse. Dad was never heavy handed during these times. He always shared from different angles of the verse. Above all, he came curious to learn what I believed not for punitive or judgmental inquiry but with love and compassion.

He fulfilled all the Gottman research on conversational power. He gave genuine, unique compliments. He had a specificity around what a person did well that were like little gems. I would go back to these compliments again and again in mind.

He also had interesting questions, and he knew how to ask what thrilled people to discuss. Not everyone would be curious about the verse on anger, but he knew I would be. He found what people wrestled with, what they like to chew on or learn more about. He found the nexus of their curiosity and asked questions together in that space.

Finally, he had a way of listening and responding that was engaging, fun, different, inviting, and safe. I wanted time to talk with my dad. It is what I miss the very most now that he isn’t physically present.

As I write this, I feel the bite of conviction, especially toward my daughters. I haven’t been a good conversationalist this past year. I have been a moralist, a champion reminder, a tough judge but not a thoughtful listener.

I pray I can be more intentionally minded about what I ask and how my daughters receive my questions. I pray to be a conversational healer like my dad.

“Kind words are like honey— sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.” – Proverbs 16:24

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