One of the greatest gifts my dad had as a father was his insistence on total relational transparency regarding emotions. He wanted a home where truth reigned. He didn’t want a home where family members pretended to like each other or get along. He wanted my brother and me to voice our experience in the home with kindness but also with honesty.

I could say, “Dad, I really love you, but I am feeling angry right now.” Dad understood how quickly bitterness and resentment could take root in relationships, especially relationships of imbalances of power such as father to children or employer to employee.

I admire my dad’s ability to create a sacred and safe space to speak about disagreement and difficult topics. I love that he wanted a mutual experience. I couldn’t just vent against him or anyone else. Venting was prohibited as an undiscerning and cowardly way of relating. Discussions were meant to be loving, fair, and honest.

This is such a powerful teaching point for my home. Disagreements with Shann require us to stay in compassion, listening, and self-responsibility. Certain phrases are off limits such as, “You always” or “You never.” We work hard not to label or criticize with terms that trigger more anger. If someone is getting frustrated by the “honest” discussion, then we understand the discussion is not honest but mean or blame oriented. How much hurt have we given others under the auspice of honesty.

Honesty with humility and compassion leads to closeness rather than distance.

This requires us to get out of a war culture. We put away verbal and nonverbal weapons. Blame, shame, attack, stonewalling, defensive posturing, and accusations are set aside. We come to the table with open hands and hearts. We try and hear the beloved’s story from their point of view.

Dad was a master at listening to the story. He understood that stories matter, and they inform every action. He was gifted at asking, “Tell me more.” He listened for the loving truth in what we were sharing.

Truth by nature is loving because God is love and God is truth. Loving truth and truthful love unite us rather than embitter us.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.” – 1 Corinthians 13:4-6

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